A startup unveils OxyPrime, a service that turns every inhale into premium data to share, compare, and monetize.
Promise: well-being, performance, and loyalty points—as long as your sighs stay within the plan.
At daybreak, the first test subjects adjust their sensor-scarves while their houseplants, now certified “bio-inspirational,” sync their chlorophyll with the cloud. The app opens like a pulmonary horoscope: “Congratulations, you’ve earned 3 Mentholated Dawn Inspirations.” Each breath gets a label, a mood, and a suggested price. Deep breaths cost a bit more (“immersive experience”), sniffles get a discreet cashback, and little laughs trigger haptic-thoracic confetti.
The business model explains itself: the more you live, the more you pay. The built-in coach recommends “responsible micro-inhales” between meetings and bills an Anti-Sigh option to prevent lyrical outbursts in the open-plan office. “Since I exceeded my rapture quota, my yawns are delivered in low definition,” confides, half amused, half contrite, Zoé T., herbal-tea taster and prototype tester, before the app suggests the Unlimited Wonder Pack.
Around OxyPrime, an ecosystem of decidedly caring objects is already taking root: mirrors that optimize your reflection to reduce the emotional footprint, sneakers that convert every step into aeration credits, pillows that ventilate your dreams to make them “more shareable.” Even the smart candles now emit only a flame compliant with the standards of sponsored serenity. If needed, a “ventilated silence” mode masks your noncompliant sighs with a soft sound of pages turning.
In the face of existential worries (and off-topic coughs), the young startup stands by its vision. “We don’t sell air; we sell the peace of mind that comes with it,” asserts its holographic spokesperson. “Our mission is simple: to streamline life all the way to the spin cycle.”
Premium subscribers, for their part, swear they’ve never breathed better—at least, according to the algorithm tasked with reminding them every four minutes.
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