Goodbye to processions: a start-up promises to save you time all the way to the hereafter.
The living, relieved; the dead, punctual. And the clock never stops.
At dawn, the line outside FunéRapide stretches like a Monday morning at the coffee machine: impatient, jittery, already tired. Here, people don’t weep; they schedule. Packages “Tight Timing” (10 minutes), “Lunch Break” (22 minutes with vacuum-packed sandwich), “Sleepless Night” (4K streaming of the coffin lid): death finally aligns with our calendars—tidy, squared, and timed to the second.
“We optimize silence,” whispers Hugo Froid, marketing director with a calibrated smile. “A slow funeral is so 20th century. Our promise? No unnecessary dead time.” Inside, everything breathes efficiency: flowers billed by the petal, condolences in packs of ten, a “Sober but Sellable” playlist at a legal volume. The tissues are biodegradable; the memories, for their part, compostable within 48 hours.
In the neighborhood, opinions drop like leaves. “At least we know when to fire up the lawnmower again,” concedes Jeanne Morne, a sharp-eared neighbor. Shopkeepers are rubbing their hands: the store next door is already launching its “black hours,” with 30% off candles that smell of nothing, “out of respect for the void.”
Next step: the “Ashes & Rewards” loyalty program—one free engraving with every ten farewells. And for the skeptics, FunéRapide unveils its ultimate guarantee: “If your loved ones aren’t satisfied, we’ll fast-track the memory.” No one has asked for a refund yet; apparently, time is short.
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