Counter 12, Door 0: the itinerary of a file that exists only when it isn’t there

To obtain a simple certificate of presence, a user followed an escape plan through corridors, stamps, and contradictory passwords.
The procedure, officially simplified, now requires more proof of absence than of presence.

Arriving at 8:59 in front of the Center for Processing Procedures, Martin D. discovers that the line to make an appointment… requires having an appointment. He is then sent to Counter 7, which no longer handles first applications but issues authorization to wait at Counter 12. There, he is informed that the online form must be printed, signed in black but “as legible as blue,” then re-uploaded in paper format, “digitally stapled.” At 9:02, reception closes “in order to streamline reception.”

The digital portal, proud of its austere ergonomics, demands a paper proof of the existence of the online account, printed on paper of an officially unspecified white. Between two corridors named “Staircase B (bis, reverse direction)” and “Landing 0 (upper level),” a sign warns: “Original documents required, unless certified copies prove they do not exist.” An adjacent sign forbids writing in blue, except when it is “more visible in blue.” At noon, a new announcement: “Reopening upon closure.”

Asked about these subtle administrative harmonies, the Directorate of Circular Processes offers reassurance. “Our absolute priority is the coherence of the incoherences: if everything were clear, we would no longer have a procedure to verify it,” says a spokeswoman, swearing that the famed Stamp A38 exists “only to keep people from looking for it.” She further confirms that proof-of-address documents are valid only at the address where you do not yet reside.

At 4:01 p.m., the user finally retrieves a receipt certifying that he did indeed attempt to obtain the document, a receipt that expired at 4:00 p.m. “for the sake of temporal equality.” His file, perfectly consistent with its own absence, is archived in the Box To Be Corrected When It’s Finished. He is promised a dispatch “by digital postal mail” in a “non-enclosed dematerialized envelope,” to be collected on site with an identity document that will be handed to him… once he has presented it.