Everyone Died This Morning: 12 Hours Too Many for the Cleaning Supervisor

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Bad luck for Larry Larryson, the poor man in charge of cleaning a local apartment tower: today, everyone is dead and it’s up to him to clean up.

In a tragico-comic maneuver that seems straight out of a Greek tragedy written by the Monty Python, Larry Larryson, the man responsible for cleaning the local apartment complex on 13th Street, has been assigned the monumental task of cleaning up all the dead bodies of his neighbors – yes, all without exception.

“Larry is a good guy, he always cleaned up after us,” confided Paul Deaders to our editorial team, the man who, before bizarrely passing away early this morning, was the president of the building’s party committee. “I think it’s a task he is perfectly capable of accomplishing.”

It appears that every occupant of the complex fell victim to a series of strangely similar misfortunes, ranging from choking on a mountain of popcorn to a fatal fall into a giant jar of jam. Larry, who was on his weekly day off during the incidents, has returned to this horror show.

“I’ve seen things,” Larry said, bucket and mop in hand, his eyes glazed over from the horror he has had to face. “Things that no one should see. Not even Santa Claus. But someone has to do it, and that someone is me, I guess.” No word yet on how Larry plans to deal with the communal pool, which is currently filled with fish heads.

There is a lesson to be learned from this story, my friends: never take a day off. You never know what terrifying clean-ups might await you upon your return.