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Missing file, mandatory form: welcome to the country of the quantum stamp

To obtain the no-file certificate, you must present the original of the missing file.
Each counter requires proof that you have already survived the next counter.

Since yesterday, the General Office of Cross-Cutting Procedures has required the “Referenced Proof of Nonexistence” to initiate any application. This document, which exists only if you prove it does not exist, can be issued only at counter 12, which opens only after validation by counter 13. At the entrance, the ticket kiosk requires an appointment number obtained in person… at the desk whose access is reserved for ticket holders.

“Our priority is to simplify the user experience: the more complicated it is, the clearer it is,” says a “procedural coherence officer” reached by phone just before the line automatically cut off. “If you can’t find the rule, it means it’s already in effect; if you can find it, it means it has changed.” Officially, everything is centralized: the answers are scattered in the same place, but across several nonadjacent floors.

Mara L., a librarian, says she went through 47 queues where each clerk handed her a note confirming the absence of the previous note. Online, form 404-Bis asks you to upload the paper version of the digital supporting document to unlock the scanner, which remains locked as long as the paper document has not been scanned. When it’s time to sign, the “I have read” checkbox redirects to an unavailable page that requires having checked “I have read” to view it.

Latest innovation: the “appointment without presence,” to be booked on a portal open on Tuesdays from 8:59 a.m. to 9:01 a.m., only in years divisible by seven. The confirmation emails quote themselves in a loop until the complaint window expires, which is before they are sent. The lucky few leave with a “definitive provisional certificate” dated yesterday, valid until before its issuance, to be presented without fail with the original of its copy.

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