Vegetarian Zombies: The Apocalypse Has Never Been So Healthy!

At the beginning: Declaring tofu over brains, a horde of vegetarian zombies is spreading terror among the fresh vegetables of supermarkets.

The scene is worthy of a horror movie. Dismembered vegetables scattered on the floor, lettuce leaves bitten ferociously, carrots sucked of their vital juice. This is the horrifying sight supermarket employees have been confronted with for the past few days. A verdant apocalypse orchestrated by a horde of vegetarian zombies.

“It’s terrifying,” says Maurice Bocuse, a traumatized butcher. “They bust down the door to my vegetable fridge and pounce on my leeks with a frenzy I’ve never seen. They tear the tofu apart with their bare hands, and quench their thirst with the juice of my beets. It’s carnage!” The man, who admits to having long believed that veganism was a passing fad, is now convinced of the urgency to protect his eggplant stocks.

The scientific world is in turmoil in the face of this unprecedented phenomenon, trying to understand what could have led these undead to turn away from brains and pounce on vegetables. Dr. Igor Van Helsing, a specialist in zombiology at the University of Transylvania, is perplexed. “It’s a mystery,” he says. “We suspect the influence of a mutant virus, or perhaps the result of a secret government experiment gone wrong.”

The fake quote from a certain Legumus Maximus, the self-proclaimed leader of this horde of vegetarian zombies, has been widely circulated on social media: “We were tired of the taste of human flesh. Vegetables are much healthier and, anyway, we’ve never been big fans of meat. Who can resist a good guacamole?”

Authorities are overwhelmed but recommend not to panic. Citizens are advised to get rid of all their vegetables and barricade themselves with meat products. The vegetarian zombies seem indeed totally uninterested in ham, pate, and sausage.