CREMATIONS ON SALE: TWO FOR THE BLAZE OF ONE — NEON URN SHORTAGE IN TOWN

Under record heat, the Saint-Éterne crematorium is launching a family deal as scorching as its main furnace.
Eye-popping posters, blowtorch slogans and endless lines: here, the end is sold on the endcap.

In front of the automatic doors exhaling lukewarm air like a dragon’s breath, the crowd fans itself with fluorescent orange flyers: “We lighten your bill, we lighten the rest.” Inside, a manager with a starched smile hands out loyalty cards dubbed “Accumulated Ashes.” Among the prizes: a glow-in-the-dark black armband, a thermal mug reading “Rest in heat,” and a voucher for a glittery urn, “ideal for the living room.”

“I’ve never seen a business so warm,” sighs Lucette D., 68, waiting with an empty cooler “for afterwards.” “Mom always said you had to go out in style: at least here, we go out with 30% off.” In the line, people avoid coughing: the humor is already dry enough.

Management fully owns its will-o’-the-wisp marketing. “We speak of memorial optimization and calorific valorization,” explains, very earnestly, Clothilde Rivière, the site’s director. “Our new chamber is called the Phoenix 3000—clearer for families. And let’s admit it, a good slogan warms up mourning.” In her view, “death lacks a user interface.”

In the shop section, they’re moving candles with a “subtle ember scent” and photo frames that withstand the microwave “just in case.” At night, the promo blazes in red letters on the facade: “Final passage, low prices.” The living count, the dead round up: in this town, even eternity goes through the express checkout.