Queue at dawn: a funeral-home chain launches the first 24/7 drive-through to “travel light” without emptying the wallet.
Touchscreen kiosks, “2 urns for 1” promos and a jingle that haunts the sidewalk: the city coughs, the cash register laughs.
They lit up the neon “We take care of the rest” before the sun even knew what to do with its pallor. In the window, slashed prices: “Silence Pack,” “Ultra-Rapid Keepsake Option,” “Refurbished coffin: like new, but not too much.” Hosts in black vests guide families under an awning where coffee flows freely and tissues are sold by the bucket. “Our condolences, contactless,” promises the kiosk, while a cart zips between two hearses like a shopping cart on a sad Saturday.
“Our clients rarely come back to complain,” says Daphné Lucarne, founder of FlashCercueil, with a crooked smile and a chrome badge. “And their loved ones like our express package: time is money, especially when you don’t have any left.” The startup, which swears it will “desacralize without debasing,” even offers a 27-second “soothing” playlist, so as “not to monopolize the parking lot.”
The neighbors, for their part, have their nerves at half-mast. “At 3 a.m., their jingle ‘It’s your last day—enjoy waived processing fees!’ wakes me more surely than remorse,” groans a bathrobe-clad neighbor, eyes ringed like a last will. The brand may promise “dignity at a low price,” but the sidewalk looks like a conveyor belt: bouquets on sale, scratch-off “premium condolences” coupons, neon posters for a “3–5 a.m. Cremation Happy Hour.”
FlashCercueil doesn’t plan to stop there: wreath delivery by scooter, prewritten condolences with mistakes included “to make it feel real,” and soon a monthly “Unlimited Tranquility” subscription. Competitors, left in the dust, are already whispering a counterattack: “Express Wake—30 minutes or your money back.” At this rate, we may no longer have time to mourn—but we can always win a mug.
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