Points-based coffins: death that pays off!

The “Dernier Cri” chain is turning death into an unprecedented loyalty program.
Mortuary miles, flash sales, and a tote bag “dust included”: welcome to terminal shopping.

Outside the new shop, black barrier tape and gray balloons: a grand opening vibe… funereal. Onlookers jostle to spin the Wheel of Fate: up for grabs, a headstone polisher, monogrammed tissues and, for the lucky, free delivery “down to six feet.” A smiling hostess slathers trembling hands with hydro-eternal gel, while an emcee promises that “the hereafter has never been so affordable.”

The system is crystal clear: one point per wreath, ten per awkward eulogy, fifty if the in-laws finally speak to each other, and a birthday bonus… well, if. At 500 points, the “discovery set”: a miniature urn and a “velvet dust” scented candle. “We’re simply rewarding loyalty: our clientele always ends up coming back,” assures the director, with feigned innocence, before scanning a QR code stitched onto a “smart” shroud.

Neighboring shopkeepers look grim: how do you compete with a brand that guarantees the customer’s return, sooner or later? The pastry shop next door rolls out a “Last Hour” éclair filled with cocoa ash; mixed success. In line, a retiree compares the price lists with the “Leave for Less” app and only regrets the absence of cash-back: you can’t take everything with you.

At closing time, the window promises “pay over several lifetimes, interest-free.” On the sidewalk, footsteps crunch like cemetery gravel, and night falls with the punctuality of an invoice: in the end, the only truly lasting markdown is always the same.