Certificate of the Absurd: the counter that exists only when it’s closed

To pick up a simple certificate, you must present the certificate proving you have the right to pick it up.
After three lines, two appointments, and a circular corridor, you end up back at the starting point: the letter A, stamped Z.

At dawn, the ticket machine blinks “Next served: yesterday.” It dispenses numbers in Roman numerals that jump from III to VII, skipping V, officially “reserved for simple cases.” On the door, the hours read “open continuously, except during opening hours.” And when, finally, the shutter lifts by a centimeter, a little sign specifies that they only receive the public if the public isn’t there.

The required form is called B-22 rectified, to be filled out only with a black blue pen, in lowercase uppercase letters. It must be accompanied by its original copy certified as conforming to itself, provided by a service located in the same room but behind an imaginary line. To obtain the rectified version, you must already possess the rectified version; failing that, prove you could have had it if you’d had it. The official website suggests printing it, but printing invalidates it: “any tangible proof compromises the purity of the process.”

At counter 0, you first pay the fees to retrieve the receipt needed to pay those same fees. “As stipulated by internal memo 000-bis, any application without supporting documents will not be processed; any application with supporting documents will not be processed either, for reasons of consistency,” whispers the clerk, lining up contradictory stamps. You are sent to counter 12 to obtain the certificate from counter 12, which is obtained at counter 0 with the certificate from counter 12. An arrow “This way” leads to another arrow “That way,” and at the end, a map of the premises printed double-sided on the same side.

After six illegible signatures received in advance and a summons dated tomorrow, you are given an acknowledgment of non-receipt valid for 24 hours starting yesterday. The phone platform advises making an appointment online; the online platform requires the code printed on the receipt you haven’t received. At the exit, a smiling agent offers a brochure “Everything is simpler now,” available only upon presentation of the brochure. The issuance of the famed certificate is scheduled for “as soon as the simplification procedure has been perfectly complexified.”