Funerals in 90 minutes, boxed, captioned, shared.
Cashback on mourners and “porcelain skin” filters for photogenic wakes: death goes express.
The new funeral brand “Click & Decease” opened this morning with more black ribbons than scruples and a simple promise: “We’ll take care of everything while you hesitate between two emojis.” In front of the shop window, scooters stamped “last mile” zigzag between tea lights and recycled cardboard coffins — “flat-pack, but not flat-flat.” Inside, you pick your wreath by QR code, add a veil in one click, and get a tutorial on “how to cry without staining the carpet.”
“We don’t sell the end, we sell the frame,” swears Victor L., “Chief Repose Officer,” anthracite suit and perfectly appropriate smile. “Our Zen pack includes a rainforest playlist, a discreet haze, and a mic for last-minute regrets.” Then, lowering his voice for drama: “Dignity has no price — we do.”
A customer, who came “just for candles,” leaves with a “Serenity Plus Pack”: a memory (of others) cushion, a photo retouched “like on their best day,” and a premium tissue kit, billed by the tear. “At least it’ll be clean,” she sighs, already pinged with a promo code “See you later” if she refers a living person. In the line, they debate the options: biodegradable confetti, a slogan engraved in minimalist type, and delivery “before dessert.”
At closing time, they’re out of stock on the “Forever” ribbons — which, logistical irony, all carry an expiration date. The app crawls, the shipments pile up, but the message remains clear and crisp, like a polished marble plaque: “Thank you for your trust. Don’t forget to rate the experience: five stars is forever.”
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