Your file doesn’t exist; please supply it in triplicate

Scout’s honor, everything is paperless: you just have to come print it on site before uploading it from home.
Between shuttered windows and flawless circularity, the Administration perfects the art of the impossible proof.

At the One-Stop Center for Procedures, which has seven entrances and no visible exit, the user gets at Window 7 a ticket inviting them to report to Window 3. In front of Window 3, a sign explains that people without a ticket from Window 7 must go to Window 5, which issues a ticket… only to holders of a validation from Window 3. Inside, a new procedure reassures: the “certificate of absence of a certificate” is now recognizable by its invisible stamp, affixed to blank paper to prevent fraud.

According to Regulation 404-B, “missing documents must be provided in original form.” Asked about this, A.-M. Brouillard, acting head of the Department of Regulatory Clarity, defends the overall logic: “We are actively simplifying by standardizing exemptions. If you cannot prove that you exist, at least prove that you cannot prove it, duly certified.” The accompanying notice also specifies that any certified copy of the unfindable document automatically becomes noncompliant the moment it is found.

The payments chain does not escape the general coherence: the tax stamp is purchased at the office that accepts card only, the card being reactivated at the neighboring till that accepts cash only, the cash available from the ATM located in a secure area, accessible upon presentation of a receipt issued after buying the stamp. “It’s proof by the journey,” sighs a user, whose ticket shows the number 12-bis while the screen calls 12-ter inverted.

To “speed all this up,” the online portal opens today: you enter it with a password you receive by registered mail, collected at a branch upon presentation of a proof generated after logging in. The lines coil like a well-trained snake; the Administration, for its part, is already congratulating itself on having replaced five waits with a single, continuous one that contains them all.