Surreal scene on the riverfront: a giant loaf, helmet on its crumb, slalomed between bikes and joggers without losing a single crumb.
Bakers speak of a “wild-yeast phenomenon,” while traffic was briefly scented with semi-salted butter.
At dawn, the people of Bordeaux saw a 34-meter baguette, impeccably golden, whirring along at 25 km/h on an oversized scooter. The specimen, answering to the name “Tradition XXL,” sported a sticker reading “Bread of origin controlled by itself” and a rearview mirror made from a jam-jar lid. “It put on its turn signal… with sesame seeds, I swear,” says Mireille, a witness still crumbled with emotion.
Alerted, the local master baker, who introduces himself as a doctor of crumb and an amateur mythologist, tried making contact in the language of pastry. Diagnosis: perfect hydration, competition-grade crustiness, and a probable migratory instinct toward the ocean. Quayside authorities set up a barrier of toast slices to channel it, without success. “I refuse the toaster: I am a free, crusty, motorized bread,” the baguette is said to have articulated via olfactory waves, according to the expert.
The Association of Improbable Measurements is preparing to certify the record for “most autonomous bread in the Northern Hemisphere,” while a local entrepreneur is already offering “Scoot’Baguette Tours” with an egg-yolk-yellow vest provided. After stopping at a singed light, the giant calmly took the Chartrons route, leaving behind a trail of perfectly aligned crumbs — “like a runway for bread knives,” according to an admiring cyclist.
At lunchtime, the Tradition XXL was seen studying its reflection in the Garonne, visibly hesitating between a sunbath and a butter bath. Bakers swear they won’t slice it; the city, meanwhile, is already wondering whether its next pass will count for lunch vouchers.
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