Certificate of Nonexistence of a File: Mandatory as of Today

To obtain it, you must prove you have never had it, stamped by the department that issues it only to those who present it.
A look inside the Center for General Procedures, where the queue numbers are circular and the emergency exits purely symbolic.

Since this morning, an internal memo requires every applicant to provide a “certificate of nonexistence of a file.” At the entrance counter, a sign reassures: “Simplified procedure.” Just below, a building map shows three “one-stop counters” connected by an arrow that loops back on itself. The queue tickets unveil an innovation: the ∞ series, which restarts at the previous number. “It’s smooth; it keeps turning,” murmurs an agent, shelving stacks of forms sorted in random order.

In this methodical maze, counter A sends you to B to obtain the preliminary signature that can only be affixed at counter C, which requires proof that B’s signature was refused at A. The online portal makes life easier: you simply upload the code printed at the desk, a code that is generated only after submitting the file validated on the site. At the “Office of Original Copies,” you can certify only a photocopy of an original, provided the original is stamped “Copy.” The signage plays along: “You are here” is displayed on every floor, even in the stairwell.

“I arrived yesterday at tomorrow; they asked me to come back last week with proof that I wouldn’t come,” confides Mr. V., holder of a provisional permanent ticket. Next to him, a poster proclaims “Open from 9 a.m. to 8 a.m.,” usefully complemented by “exceptional closure during opening hours.” A supervisor reassures: “Our priority is to shorten the wait by stretching it out,” while a loudspeaker politely invites the public to wait in corridor D, closed due to crowding in corridor D.

At the end of the line that starts with its end, some leave with a receipt of intent to obtain an appointment, conditional upon presentation of the receipt. Others take the stairs to the “Hall of Unfindable Attestations,” located “between the second and the same floor.” The day’s final announcement drops at 8:59 a.m.: “The certificate of nonexistence is available as soon as you prove you don’t need it.” Kafkaesque? No, reassures the window decal: “Everything is under control, somewhere.”