“Last-Minute” package: the farewell lasts less than a red light, but leaves streaks on the windshield.
FLASH FUNERALS: FAREWELL IN 12 MINUTES, GRATUITY EXTRA
Plot twist in the fiercely competitive world of the last resting place: the central cemetery has inaugurated its “Fast Lane,” a marked circuit where condolences roll past on an assembly line and flowers are rented like scooters. Intro price: €49.99, biodegradable tissue included, weeping on an unlimited playlist. To avoid delays, a bell cuts off the embraces after 90 seconds. Clock, protocol, curtain.
The company claims to be “reinventing the departure experience” with a range of options: Silence Pack (soundproofing for discreet sobs), Eloquence Pack (algorithm-generated speech, free of dubious metaphors), Light Pack (LED sunset guaranteed, even at noon). Latecomers can catch the ceremony on 24-hour replay, sped up 2x for tight schedules. At the exit, a black-and-white photo booth immortalizes the moment, with a free “faraway look” filter.
Facing criticism of a grief process that’s too rushed, management opts for transparency. “Dignity is like Wi‑Fi: if you pay more, the signal’s better,” vows, without a smile, Maud Granit, director of Ultimate Operations. “Our clients want a goodbye that’s clean, neat, punctual. We even offer a discount voucher for late-arriving remorse.” Local residents, meanwhile, complain about the applause timer ringing all the way into their kitchens.
Tomorrow brings the announced launch of Premium Serene: anti-squeak carpets, rain on demand, pigeons warded off by ultrasound. The brochure promises “calibrated sadness, with no superfluous downtime.” At this pace, we’ll get buried between two meetings, tax receipt included, with a smartphone notification: “Your mourning is being processed. Please do not reply to this message.”
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