They promise to “sort out the after” before breakfast.
Delighted customers, jealous gravediggers: the city is treating itself to turnkey goodbyes.
Flattering touch-ups, “credible yet discreet” causes, and an elegant typeface: here, the end is ordered like a pizza.
The start-up Dernière Minute™ has struck a chilling vein: death announcements for the very much alive, delivered ahead of the inevitable and optimized for social feeds. On the menu: a photo that makes you look younger without resurrecting you, a heroic bio with no inconvenient witnesses, and a “tastefully mysterious” cause à la carte. Last night, lines formed outside the showroom: people picking their epitaph the way others pick a ringtone.
“It’s premium relief: I don’t stress anymore, it’s all wrapped up, even my regrets are justified in small caps,” confides Murielle V., a Gold subscriber who chose the “friends auto-tagged” option. The founder, for his part, swears he only sells serenity: “We don’t sell the rope; we sell the bow tie.” In the workshop, the presses purr louder than the mourning: every text gets a “chic gravitas” finish, and the tears are delivered separately.
The grumps call it bad taste; the company answers with upsells: a lacquered seal of “posthumous chic,” a QR code to your farewell playlist, and a programmable correction in case of biological surprises. Rumor has it a “guardian angel delay” plan would offer store credit if you insist on staying alive too long: disappointed, but stylish.
This morning, the newsroom received its own death notice as a PDF, dated for tonight, with a flattering photo we don’t remember taking. If we don’t appear tomorrow, at least know it was magnificently laid out.
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