Panic in supermarkets: a new sharp-angled tomme slips off the shelves and sets aisle 12 records.
Viral videos show four-cornered blocks zipping under pallets, toppling carts and certainties.
In a demonstration deemed “highly controlled” by its inventors, the Square Tomme Mk.II covered 38 meters with a bag of pasta in tow—in reverse. Security guards, caught off guard, describe “hairpin turns on wet tile” and “braking on grated cheese.” An algorithmic aging start-up claims the feat: its low-friction coating, dubbed a “natural Teflon rind,” is said to have arisen from aging in a poorly ventilated server room.
Retailers, for their part, are playing it safe. Several hypermarkets have issued a recall “as an extreme mobility precaution,” asking customers to return any cheese of suspicious geometry. Signs warn: “Do not chase the tomme beyond the condiments aisle” and “Favor placement in an airtight container before any discussion.” An aisle coach even organized a meditation session to calm soft cheeses deemed “too impulsive upon unwrapping.”
Producers, however, defend the gustatory boldness. “It’s not the shape that matters, it’s the momentum of the terroir,” says Marcel Bidule, spokesman for the Square Tomme Consortium, his forelock buffeted by the draft from the automatic doors. “We dream of a world where every cheese board inaugurates its own starting line. And if it takes off on its own, so much the better: taste waits for no one.” In the meantime, customers are asked to avoid smooth-soled shoes and to keep the gherkins on a leash.
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