Counter 7, Door 12: the alternate route of the absurd

Promised in five minutes, Form 0 bis now requires a certificate proving that you don’t need a certificate.
Between doors locked from the inside and stamps nowhere to be found, here’s the story of an ordinary day where everything is required, nothing is possible.

At 8:02 a.m., the clerk at the General Procedures Center announces that the doors will open “the moment the line is sufficiently fluid.” At 8:03, a sign specifies that fluidity will be measured once the public has entered. The access map invites you to follow the blue arrows to counter 7, accessible via door 12, located behind door 12 bis, which politely redirects you to counter 7. The posters contradict each other with exemplary rigor: “Walk-ins by appointment only” and “Certified-original photocopies not accepted, photocopied originals required.”

Form 0 bis, the keystone of this choreography, asks for proof that you have nothing to prove. You attach an ID photo with a neutral smile, supplied in two identical copies of which one must be different. The valid stamp is found at the stamp counter, open in the afternoons on weekday mornings. A QR code points to a printable link, available only offline. “They explained to me that my file was complete but completely incomplete: I had the original of the copy, not the copy of the original, and the certified copy matched only the original of the copy,” whispers Élodie G., a user holding ticket 0, numbered after 99.

Inside, each solution begets its mother-formality. The proof of address confirms where you live, provided you bring a document proving that this proof belongs to you, supplied only to the address proven by the proof. The online appointment is made on site, at the touchscreen kiosk switched off as an energy-saving measure. The waiting room admits only those who are not waiting; an alarm sounds when excessive patience threatens to disrupt the order of impatience.

At closing time, announced “at the exact hour or as soon as it is too late,” the clerk wishes you good luck coming back yesterday, the deadline indicated on a receipt to be handed out tomorrow. The phone help number invites you to submit a request to obtain the access code for the help number. Outside, the lobby clock goes back one minute with each ticket that expires, ensuring that no one ever arrives late, only too early for it to already be too late.