Local Man Inexplicably Absorbed by His Couch!

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The resident of Bingo Valley, Bryan Squarepants, has apparently merged with his sofa during his 7-hour television marathon.

On a Tuesday afternoon, 42-year-old Bryan Squarepants accomplished an incredibly strange feat. According to his account, the Bingo Valley resident found himself merged with his couch after spending seven hours uninterrupted watching the TV series “Top Chef: The Clash of the Stars” at home.

“I just wanted to get up to grab another bag of chips, and suddenly, I felt like I was stuck,” said Squarepants. “I looked down and realized I was merging with my couch! I was both terrified and amazed. It was an uncomfortable sensation realized on cushioned pillows.”

The immediate neighborhood of Squarepants remained perplexed by this strange situation. “He was trying to scream for help, but all we heard was a muffled whisper through the couch cushions,” said his neighbor, Tom Riddleton. “It was like a human burrito wrapped in velvet and leather. Truly fascinating.”

Science is currently powerless against this singular event. Professor Phileas O. Scopie, the leading researcher in couch physics at Couchland University, is baffled: “This is truly an inexplicable phenomenon. We have always suspected that couches possessed mystical properties, but this is the first time we have tangible proof.”

Squarepants, for his part, remains in good spirits despite the circumstances. “I guess it’s a good way to get through the confinement. And then, it’s not so bad being one with my couch. We’ve always had a special relationship. However, I must say, I’m starting to run low on chips,” he joked.