For years, they’ve claimed to hold our shoes.
But an investigation reveals they are secretly preparing to replace Earth’s orbit with a three-tier storage unit.
It all began on Tuesday, when an empty shoebox was spotted near a window, opened on the wrong side. Self-proclaimed experts immediately linked the incident to the phases of the Moon, whose shape, they say, looks “far too much” like a poorly fitted lid.
The network is said to be run by coat hangers, accused of transmitting coded messages by twisting themselves in closets. “Every time a hanger disappears, a box gains ground,” says Norbert Plieur, independent investigator and owner of 46 bottomless lids.
According to the documents — printed on a paper napkin — the plan calls for sorting the tides by size and replacing lunar craters with accessory compartments. NASA did not respond to our questions, but a cardboard box was seen near its offices, which, according to Norbert, “confirms everything.”
As we go to press, the suspect box was still empty. Authorities recommend not shaking it: it could contain another box, and thus further evidence.
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